Did you ever think that your life was supposed to only go on a one track path? That the idea in your head that you had for the milestones of your life would happen no matter what because you knew that that was your destiny? Did you ever assume that nothing could go wrong in your life and the world isn’t as big and bad as everyone makes it seem simply because you hadn’t experienced any of the big bad things that the world had thrown at everyone else in your sheltered 24 years. Well, welcome to my last 4 months of complete turmoil while my world got thrown upside down into a world I don’t even recognize. With all of those big bad things being thrown at me from left field with zero warning.
Like everyone throughout 2020- this year is nothing of what I was expecting. I went through phases like most, of happiness, anxiousness, depression, sadness, anger, and every other emotion imaginable. At the start of this year, I could not have said I was a spiritual person, I never or hardly ever prayed to any higher power. As the year went on, I have gotten closer to my God than I have ever been. I needed something to believe in, someone to listen to my thoughts, fears and emotions about what was happening in the world. Something to bring me peace of mind since so much had spiraled out of my control, and I am the kind of person who needs to be in control. I bought a bible and started reading it daily to bring myself comfort and peace of mind. We all cope in our own ways. I spiraled so far, that this was the one thing that could help me grow and move on. I know that sounds silly to some, but the faith that I have grown has helped me in ways that no one else could this year. And here’s why:
The year started off amazing. I went to Jamaica with my at the time boyfriend and his family, I moved out of my parents’ house and moved in with the love of my life, we adopted a puppy together and then boom. March. I got a concussion at work, then the gym where I work was shut down for two weeks, I was laid off from my job in April, I went through emotions of happiness, relief, fear, anxiety, depression. I couldn’t get out of bed most days near the end of quarantine. My relationship of 7 years ended in July with zero warning, my ex was unaware on why I was acting so erotic and all over the place. He couldn’t understand my emotions, didn’t see that I was lonely and isolated (he worked constantly), and that I had become extremely depressed. I got kicked out of my house and moved back in with my parents (thankfully keeping my dog). The revelation of breaking up with the man I thought I was going to marry sent me on a downward spiral of depression and anxiety that I had to force myself to function each day and push through. My life as I knew it was over and there was no going back. For 7 years I was loyal and committed to this person who pulled the rug out from under me when I wasn’t looking. I hadn’t planned for this moment to happen in my detailed plan of how my life was supposed to go.
Thankfully, I got my job back also in July and I was able to rebuild relationships with friends and make new friends from all of this sudden free time that I had to spend on my own. I got into the world of dating which – boy – is not anything like it was in high school and I was thrust into accepting the trust issues I was left with from my now ex-boyfriend and rebuild myself from the ground up. It was weird dating at first, but it got easier as time went on and thankfully my friends helped me get over my ex as well.
Then boom. I met a guy– he was amazing. We got along so well and so quickly, and we clicked. He made me happy- I had gotten over my ex and saw a future with this man. Cue the heartbreak all over again. I knew it was too good to be true because without warning 2 days before Halloween- boom. He was gone. Again, with no warning. We were talking in the morning and disappeared into thin air when I asked the simple question of “how’s your day going” like any other day. 2 months of “talking” and “Exclusive dating”, texting all day every day for almost 48 days, was gone with zero warning and I was back at square one of building myself back up from the ground up. My trust issues spiralled out of control at this point and the anxiety of never being loved or good enough to be loved started to hit again.
And now here we are. Today.
Now, you’re probably wondering where this post is going. The point of my very long spiel on how horrible this year has been for me and majority of the world is to show how amazing self-growth can be when we stop focusing on the negatives and start looking at the positives.
I thought when I broke up with my ex- that there was nothing left for me in this world. I was done, I couldn’t see a future. I thought I was going to get engaged this year and married next year and kids the year after and my life took a major turn. Then again, with this amazing guy who I started to see a near future with and the ability to possibly love someone again and then that being pulled away so quickly. Now, I’m left here, working my job better than I ever have, on my own and independent, back in the gym and working on me. Which I have neglected for 7 years. I am the girl who throws everything out the window for her boyfriend and neglects herself. Which I have now learned, is the unhealthiest way to go about a relationship and I never used to be that girl. I am going back to the girl who was not like that.
Looking at the positives of this year:
- I got a puppy who is my world and helped give me a reason to get up every morning when I thought there was nothing to get up for
- I regained my relationships with so many friends that had been hiding in the shadows of my relationship with my ex that I neglected to take care of
- I lost 20 pounds when I broke up with my ex because I focused on myself and my health. I got back in the gym and got healthy again
- My finances took a turn for the better. I am no longer in debt which I was in for 5 years while in my relationship
- After stepping out of my relationship I saw how toxic it had become over the years for my mental, emotional, physical and financial health which I was completely oblivious to until it was over.
- I became closer with my parents after opening up with the about my relationship
- I started seeing other people and saw parts of what a healthy relationship should be (we are still working on this part, but we are getting there)
- I realized I suffer from anxiety and functional depression and am getting help for it.
- I realized that I cannot put myself last. Because I deserve the love, I so freely give to other people with none in return. If I don’t love myself how will anyone else?
- I can buy my own apartment now, closer to my family and to my work and make it the way I want it to be without being isolated in the middle of nowhere.
- I paid off my car and cut my bills in half by moving home to become more financially stable.
- I learned that people will hurt you, no matter how good you treat them. Because no matter how good your intentions are, they are going to be altered to fit the way the other person’s life is going at that time and there is no way of controlling their thoughts or actions. But the only thing you can do, is not give yourself away so freely to other people to allow them to hurt you. Walls and boundaries are good.
So many good things have come out of this year, but I was so blinded by how bad a few things were in my life this year that I neglected to see how amazing this year has been for self-growth, slowing down and becoming aware of myself again. A few bad things happened. Yes, they were very bad, and yes, I was very sheltered for 24 years and this is the first time I have experienced loss in any way. And yes, I know that is pathetic, but it is my reality. This is a growing point for me, and I will grow from it and become stronger and better than ever.
Usually, I post about ways to help other people, but this is a post simply to share about my experience in 2020. I am not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, I am no expert. I could easily have made this a post “10 ways to get through the worst year of your life” or “10 ways to cope when anxiety is bad” or “how to push through a break up and come out on top” which yes, I may post about in the future. But that would simply be from my experience. I am still working through all of these things and I don’t think it’s fair for me to offer advice to other people when I can’t take my own advice right now. And that’s okay. I am growing, I am thriving, I am learning, and I am becoming a better version of myself. And I can’t wait to see what she is like.
No matter how bad your 2020 has been- take a moment and write down at least 10 amazing things that have come from this year. 2020 is a lotus flower for all of us. We are the flower, and 2020 is the dirt. We have all grown into bigger, better, and beautiful things from the pain, loss, and suffering we have all faced this year. 2021 is going to be all of our years. We have all become better versions of ourselves because of this experience. I want to hear at least 1 thing that was amazing for you all in the comments below for this year. You are all beautiful, wonderful people and if you have read this far- thank you. And I hope the rest of your 2020 is in full bloom.
katsmillenniallifestyle 